Get off the black lady's ass

RACISM FAST FACTS

1. It has nothing to do with a certain pale race hating on other considerably darker races. So when Emmett Till got 50 kinds of fucked up that night, sure. That's racism. When four black guys fucked up Reginald Denny, that was also racism. This "reverse racism" shit implies that white guys were the ones who started it - okay, MAYBE they were - but that right there is a judgmental, blanketing idea. It means that you automatically link racism to a white guy doing some shit to somebody else, and that's an easy stereotype.

2. Racism, as defined:

"A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others."

In other words, you think "Because this guy is [insert race here], I can IMMEDIATELY say this, this and this about his cultural and individual achievement." (You probably also think, "I'm better than him because I'm [insert race here] and he's [insert race here].")

The other definition is the fan favorite "hatred or intolerance of another race or races."

3. Pointing out true, obvious facts is not racist. Saying "my Asian friend is dating a black girl" is not racist, even if it's a pretty rare thing. However, if you say "I saw an Asian guy dating a black girl, so he's probably a small-dicked doctor-to-be who loves math and is emotionless and she's probably a big-lipped basketball-loving hip hop fan and maybe a petty criminal, and I hate them both because of their races and I wish I could kill them," THAT'S Klan status right there.

4. Stereotypes - good and bad - are an extension of racism. Immediate corollaries derived from somebody's race alone (instead of other silly things like, say, their character) are racist, even if it's a "good" stereotype (i.e. "black guys are packing some serious junk")

Race is a touchy issue. Always has been, and probably always will be, as long as stupid people get offended whenever you mention a colour or some other trivial shit. If you're going to dive into that whole mess and its social implications, make sure you can actually define what you're engaging. Might be helpful.

I'm calling security

A few hours ago some Korean triad/thug was cast out of Bobst for trespassing. While he was leaving he ran his mouth in his thick Korean triad/thug accent, asking the security guard "are you mad?" and "you should take it easy" and some other bullshit.

First, it's a little alarming that he got into an NYU building without having any kind of ID, but whatever. Second, what's with these fucking toolbags thinking it's cool to dick around with authority like that?

Being smug and cocky and smooth with cops or security guards doesn't make you cool, or brave, or dashing, or any of that shit that's supposed to attract loose, shallow women. What the fuck are you going to do. Seriously. You gonna outrun some cops on the road? Wow, good job, you can drive fast! The douches who post pictures of themselves getting cuffed are the greatest, because they're always saying, look at what a badass I am! I got busted for weed! I'm so fly!

If you want to look cool while fighting higher powers, do it the Jack Bauer way. Win a fight with the KGB. Not your local 25-man police force. Idiots.

We should stop doing things that make other countries hate us

Title says it all.

NEW YORK - home of the yellow cab, halal carts, fashion, finance and all that shit. A lot of assholes live here too, and you can usually hear them from afar. "Bitch!" snapped one ho as she brushed against somebody walking the opposite way. "Cunt!" was the automatic reply.

It's no secret. New Yorkers tend to be nastier than most Americans. How does this make us look to foreigners? First, they think we're all of the following: ignorant, obese, stupid, lazy, bad at soccer (though our boys' efforts have hopefully changed that some).

Add to the list "ready to say anything to piss anybody off because somebody stepped on your shoe," and we really don't come off as a well-to-do people. Granted, ALL Americans aren't like that. But some are more so than others, and they're the fucking douchebags who are making us look bad.

I haven't visited the following countries (so I might be spewing complete drivel) but I'm guessing that in places such as Iran, the vampire European countries, Somalia and Serbia, yelling "fuck you and your mom, you fucking fuck!"because someone forgot to signal is probably a good way to get your ass beat. Here we don't have that, because we enjoy our American freedoms and security, which suggest it's not kosher to start fights on the street or in the subway. In other places of the world, you run your mouth and you get fucked up and that's just how it is. Here, in "civilized America," you can be a big asshole as much as you want, and you probably won't get stabbed.

Has our security and way of life actually made it easier for us to be assholes? God, I hope not.

Some people grow up in cultures that suggest you watch what you say, because you never know when somebody's going to get fatally stabbed because of a 53rd and 6th line cutting incident (happened) or an accidental bump outside a train station (also happened). Some New Yorkers live in this bubble of I-can-say-whatever-shit-I-want-and-fuck-you-if-you-don't-like-it, and while it's unfortunate that they haven't met a stabber just yet, it's really not helping our image.

God help us all

Get down hit the floor!

During this morning's Chile x Switzerland match, Jorge Valdivia got a yellow card for pretending that a Swiss player tripped him up, snapped his fibula in a few places and stepped on his face. This obviously isn't what happened, but he tried to give that impression on the way down. The referee didn't buy the simulation so he carded his ass for being a big fat phony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcCO6E4NUs8&feature=related

All this diving and flopping shit gets in the way of the sport (see also: Pau Gasol and Josh Koscheck). Whenever players do this, they're lying to the ref, the players who fucked them up (but not really), the spectators and everybody else. They're also trying to gain an unfair advantage, which is also a serious infraction. Basically, THEY'RE CHEATING and yet in basketball and futbol you get a slap on the wrist and everything's fine. It's not like the 9,000 instances in which a guy goes for a slide tackle and misses the ball but catches a bit of shin. That shows legit intention to get the ball, and sometimes it doesn't always work out and it counts as a foul. Unintentional, but a foul nonetheless, and he was trying to do something that's legal in the sport.

Hitting the ground and clutching the leg that was just not-kicked is an attempt to deceive everybody (the ref especially) and draw a non-existent foul.In other words, that's some low-balling yellow-bellied HORSESHIT.

Stick to the sport and don't waste our time with your goddamn pussy "augghhhh I just got fouled" theatrics bullshit. Maybe try playing with honor and see how that feels. If you're an athlete and you think victory's more important than the rules, you don't deserve the admiration and respect.

forza petrolia

Recently a few oil execs went before Congress and got spanked silly, which was fine and all, but then one of the guys leading the hunt demanded an apology. Unfortunately, forcing somebody to say "I'm sorry" don't do SHIT. Remorse is only organic. You can't make that shit in a factory, and you can't squeeze it out of somebody, at least not like that. I don't know why "say you're sorry!" is such a popular tool when it comes to discipline. Going through the motion and actually meaning it are two VERY different things, and yet we seem to link them sometimes. Which might explain why a public figure can fuck up and say something mean, and then he'll release a lengthy statement full of big words that don't really mean anything, and then he's in the clear.

A few days ago I bumped into somebody who was all for hitting your kids as a form of discipline. The conversation went something like this:

Me: .... it fucks with their head. No animal is coded to do hurt their young. Okay, every once in a while some lion might go crazy and eat cubs, but that's different. Parental instinct says you feed the offspring, and show it how to hunt, and fight off the alligator that's trying to pull it under the water. Nowhere in the playbook does it say "hit your kid." You're three years old, and the hand that feeds you is also the hand that smacks you when you're out of line? That's more of a mindfuck than calc III. That's why you're not supposed to hit your dog either, at least not with your hand. Dog gradually links hands to smacks, so when Sally from down the block yells "Doggie!" and runs to pet him, he freaks out, moves to defend himself and bites her face off, and then it's, "OH, THE DOG'S A MENACE TO SOCIETY, WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN, OH, THE HUMANIT-"

Her: [smack]

Me: Ow.

Here's to hoping I never, ever get a handjob from her.

for-za! for-za! for-za!

Ah, futbol. Like hockey, boxing and MMA, it is one of the few sports during which I can yell KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF!! (This is usually unnecessary whenever Italy is playing, because they seem to get injured a lot anyway).

BP's clusterfuck has taken the backseat ever since Clint Dempsey drilled his shot at Rob Green, and now the man can't even play golf without being harassed by the press (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/world-cup-2010/7825460/World-Cup-2010-Robert-Green-takes-to-the-golf-greens-to-ease-goal-blunder-woe.html).

Rob Green made a huge mistake, and I like puns such as "hand of clod" and "stars and tripe," but he really doesn't deserve all the heat & bitching that everybody sent his way. All right, the dude let a grave error go down on his watch. Well, he didn't do that shit on purpose. And no matter how good you are, EVERYBODY is prone to making mistakes. The better you are, the less likely you are to err; still, nobody (except for Chuck Norris) is 0 percent likely to make a mistake. It's like an asymptote (http://www.hockeyzombie.com/comics/2009-08-02-090802.jpg). Your skill level might go shooting off to infinity (x value), but your likeliness to fuck something up (y value) will never reach 0, although it will get very close.

Sometimes the best in the world fuck things up. At UFC 111 Georges St. Pierre had Dan Hardy in what looked like a surefire armbar. He was an arm twist and a hip elevation away from breaking the Brit's arm and actually finishing the fight, but he turned the arm the wrong way and lost the dominant position. This guy's 20 - 2, hasn't lost a fight since 2007 and has defended his belt 4 times without ever really being in trouble. While his mistake wasn't as costly or pun-yielding as Rob Green's ("armbar" is a pretty tough word to work with, though there is probably a wealth of gay jokes connected to Georges's taking Dan's arm and putting it between his legs right by his balls), it's still a big deal to see a guy who has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu mess up a basic submission.

Also consider Zinedine Zidane (three-time FIFA world player of the year) and Ron Artest (2004 defensive player of the year), who both deviated from the sportsmanship that highlighted their careers (all right, maybe not so much for Ron Artest) and either headbutted an Italian guy or punched the wrong spectator. Bill Buckner let an easy ground ball roll past him in the '86 Yankees X Red Sox World Series, and in 2009 Kurt Warner's second quarter touchdown pass went instead to linebacker James Harrison, who huffed and puffed and ran the ball 100 yards the other way for a Pittsburgh touchdown. (Credit to Kurt Warner for throwing someone's touchdown pass, like he intended.)

SHIT HAPPENS. It's unfortunate, and it doesn't happen often, but sometimes even the best people make mistakes. We should all do a Rob Green right now: forget about the blunder, deal with the 1 - 1 draw, bury it and enjoy the ensuing games.

And go to a doctor. Maybe get that hand of clod checked out.

GreenCount

In a moment of Samuel Jacksonness, Obama said he is searching for "whose ass to kick." Yea, he said that in an interview. Wasn't it Spike Lee who said that Obama should be more vocal? That was two weeks ago or something. If anacondas turn up on Air Force One, I think I know exactly what he'll say.

1. "Isn't going green a fad?"
Going green is like dieting, being frugal or filling out your census form*. They're good things to do. They've ALWAYS been good things to do (ever since the first caveman realized, "Fuck. Me fat. Me work out and eat good now so me can get caveguidette at sand-water this summer"), and yet we Americans can't quite get it. Going green - whose synonyms include "being environmentally responsible," "not being an asshole and properly disposing of your batteries and electronics so their shit don't seep into the ground and water and fuck up the fish that I feed my kids" and "killing the lights you don't need so you don't have to pay for power that you waste" - is not a fad. It's only becoming a big deal now because in the Industrial Revolution, when factories and all that shit were coming up, the planet could kinda handle the smoke, fog, smog, and other Los Angeles-native pollutants. We've been doing that for a couple hundred years now, and today in 2010, we're starting to feel it. That's why you have these people (you may know them as "tree huggers," "hippies," "hipsters," "Al Gore" etc.) who are out there with their grassroots movements and their initiatives and their shit. It wouldn't have worked 60 years ago because everything felt fine. It snowed in the winter and it was hot in the summer. How bout the shit that's going on now? It snowed in April of 2006 in New Jersey. I spent last Christmas Eve checking out hot girls at the beach with a set of binoculars in 80 degree weather. I spent Christmas Morning getting emergency binocular removal surgery at a proctologist's office. Alas, such is life.

2. "Global warming is a myth."
Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but that doesn't mean you go back to doing the dumb shit you're doing now. Say you smoke, and you go in for a checkup, and the doctor says, your lungs look like the Taco Bell I left in the toilet, BUT! you don't have cancer. So you say woohoo! And go home and smoke some more. That's an intelligent thing to do. Call it global warming, call it climate change, or !xobile, YVAN EHT NIOJ, "oil gusher," "skeet," whatever title you want to give it. The planet gets fucked up every day, and it's been getting fucked up every day, ever since a cow farted and released methane into the environment. At least try to make this place last a LITTLE longer so your grandkids can enjoy it, or help buy some time because you never know if or when a solution will be discovered. Or maybe we'll just up and fly to Mars. Shit, I don't know. Every green hipster out there strives for a mix of these things: stop the problem, slow the problem, buy time. Imagine it's 2150, and the planet is even more fucked up than it already is. How do you explain that? A bunch of pricks thought it wasn't a big deal, so they kept doing their shit, and they died in general comfort, as did the generation after them. But it gradually got worse and worse and when people finally realized what was happening, it was too late. Too bad =( Alas, such is life.

3. "Oh I'm not interested in the Census."
The Census means money. Some 8 million people live in NYC, as far as anyone knows. Say the census data come in and the magic number is 5 million. NYC is going to get 5 million persons' worth of funding for their hospitals, roads, AA programs, schools, MTA, all that SHIT. You blow off the census and you ---- yourself in the ass for the next ten years. Some people like to turn away the form and the enumerators etc in a bid to protect themselves and their privacy. What privacy do you think you have? If Uncle Sam really wanted to, he could wiretap your phones and smash his way into your email in a heartbeat. Slamming the door and saying, muahaha, they'll never know that four people live here! isn't quite the same as sticking it to the man.

There are totally some problems with how the 2010 census was and is being conducted. Well, it's the government. Get over it. They're not gonna quit. You're under their auspices, and if you don't like it, you can go to Montreal or Tijuana. Sometimes you just gotta put up with shit. You should always be critical and questioning, but in constructive ways. Slamming the door in a government worker's face (when she's trying to throw you a friggin' bone) is akin to some college kid in California flipping over a car and setting the engine block on fire because his tuition increased. Also, census workers don't have badges or fancy suits or 9mms, so it's easy to turn them away. But the census is a mandatory thing. You wouldn't tell ATF you're "not interested" when they pull the door off your house at 11pm, and you wouldn't put "refused, return to sender" on a tax form and mail it in. If people keep ducking it's not going to stop until some really unnecessary legal shit goes down. Alas, such is life.

4. "Collective action fail"
Few believe in the power of one, and it's seriously fucking this country over. Don't nobody vote. People think, I'm one person, what difference am I gonna make?

FACT: You ARE one person. Your vote probably will NOT be the deciding factor in young (relatively) black guy or old white guy in the oval office.

FACT: When millions of people think this way, bad things happen.

FACT: Millions of Americans DO think this way, and bad things DO happen. For example, a black guy becomes president and a bunch of people are all, WHAT THE FUCK. THAT'S BULLSHIT. I DON'T WANT SOME (reeeeee) IN THAT THERE CIRCLE OFFICE (it's actually an oval). Well, did you vote? Oh. And you're upset. Right, okay.

FACT: Every little thing counts. I realize this contradicts F1, but that's only because I didn't mention when lots of "one person"s come together to do shit, you get results. Weird, right?

Collective action fail, as I've lazily pieced together, means something needs to be done but all the participants think, naw, fuck that shit, somebody else will do it so I don't have to.

There are a million things wrong in the world right now. Israeli commandos are storming love boats, BP oil is spilling into the Gulf, a North Korean striker promised "a goal a game" in the World Cup . . . . how the hell are we supposed to fix any of that if we can't even find it in ourselves to matter worth a damn? Jesus.