Wednesday, December 22, 2010

that is so _____

DADT's about to be wiped out.

In other words, if a guy who likes other dudes wants to get shot at and put himself at risk for the safety of others, he can do it.

Sad, sad day indeed.....

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


At his super fly rally a few days ago , Jon Stewart mentioned how shit goes real bad when you can't tell friend from foe.

In response to Park51, many open-minded opponents cited some shit like "..... you wouldn't build a Shinto shrine on Oahu in the months after Pearl Harbor, would you?"

The important thing to remember is WHERE the attack came from. It's okay to acknowledge groups. They're out there. Lines are drawn. Sometimes they're clear to see (African versus Eskimo). Sometimes they're not so easy to see (tranny versus tranny). But the point is, groups are, more or less, out there. Fine.

But - if you had any sort of loving childhood or a decent upbringing in a good public elementary school - you would know that one person doesn't represent the entire group.

In school, kids are always reminded before field trips: Remember, when we get to [insert place with gift shop and marginal educational value here], you are an AMBASSADOR of [insert school name here]. So don't take lewd photos of the Washington Monument as your dick, don't do pullups off the wing of a prop plane at the Liberty Science Center* and DEFINITELY don't grope the Marilyn Monroe wax statue. ARE WE CLEAR???

Still, very few of us come out as perfect ambassadors of whatever group we're in. How could we? It's hard enough to stand on ceremony and make ourselves look presentable half the time. And we're expected to do that for ourselves PLUS our 80 distinct colleagues? C'mooooon!!

So, captain Brilliant - did the Shinto religion make the call to decimate the boats? No. In the end, it was probably a couple Japanese military guys huddled together in a reinforced pagoda, one of which was clever enough to think, "Hey, they'll never see THIS one coming!"

So if a statue of that one clever dude went up at Hawaii, we'd have a problem. Otherwise, putting a Shinto shrine in the area (and I'm told there are many, given Hawaii's Japanese population) shouldn't be an issue.

Neither should a prayer space at Park51. Muslims attacked the US, true enough. A few Muslims. All of Islam didn't do it! Just a few of it's angrier, crazier members who played a lot of Flight Simulator during their downtime. (And let's face it- if all of Islam wanted us gone, we'd probably have been decimated a long time ago.)

If a black guy steals my non-existent Toyota Camry, do I scowl every time I pass an NAACP building? If small children mock my short Asian man stature as I'm sitting in the park, do I spraypaint "SANTA CLAUS IS YOUR PARENTS" on the wall of the local YMCA? Is one femme fatale justification for hating everything with a vadge?

(The answers to the above are "of course not," "depending on my mood," "of course not.")

Similarly. Couple pissed off Muslims fuck our shit up doesn't mean we take it out on all of them. Think of the converse: say the nicest picture-perfect American family is hiking through Iraq on vacation (Iran was booked). Mom, dad, two kids, dog, minivan. Insurgents grab them and throw bags over their heads, drag em in front of the camcorder and do all the usual shit. Then one of them says - probably in a thick, hard-to-type accent straight out of Call of Duty :

You American devils bombed my village and slaughtered my family in the process. For that you will pay dearly.

Petrified American dude : That wasn't us! The people who did that maybe looked like us, ate the same unhealthy food and listened to the same degrading-and-provocative-but-still-very-catchy music as us, but that wasn't us!!! For the love of God, put down the scimitar and let us go!! WE did nothing to you!

Suddenly we're shouting the same exact thing that every nice Muslim** in the US is saying, hoping it'll stick. At least, from the point of view of the impending decapitee, it makes sense.

* Were it not for an attentive security guard, I would have done this.
** Note that there are definitely bad Muslims in the US, as there are bad Jews, bad Mexicans, bad Italians, bad Singaporeans, bad albinos, bad taxi drivers (all), bad clergymen, bad journalists, bad _____s, etc.
*** And unfortunately, the number of bad Muslims in the US might creep up, as 24 is no longer on the air. The mortality rate of Middle Eastern men in the US actually dropped a little since the show concluded back in May.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood

Halloween's in three days. It's 60 degrees F or so. There are MOSQUITOES in Carlyle. Things make more and more sense these days.

We've come so far in science. Basically the only thing we can't do is bring the dead back to life (although cryonics is still going on, in a heated race with the Satanic cultists). And yet we are still fighting a battle against bedbugs - a somewhat losing battle, as they gobbled up an Abercrombie & Fitch back in July and have been raping movie theaters left and right (so hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband).

Bed bugs are tough as shit. They're great at hiding. Usually. They operate very well in large, coordinated groups. Apparently they can go MONTHS without eating. And they're getting more resistant to all the toxins we throw at them. Pretty soon, fire and Chuck Norris will be the only workable solutions. Seriously, the Army needs to start researching these fuckers.

But in a weird and very uncomfortable way, they've taught us some humility. Because people are NOT at the top of the food chain. In fact it should be a ring. Or some kind of polygon. But what's going to fuck us up on apocalypse day? Assuming we don't do it to ourselves - also likely - it will probably go to something way smaller. A virus, perhaps, or some kind of bacteria. Maybe some disgruntled trench coat-wearing death metal-loving euglenae will do us in. Man, would that suck =/

*** Oh, but if you have mosquitoes, spraying a mix of alcohol, mouthwash and epsom salt (huhh?) around the area is supposed to keep them away.

A similar tactic is advised for Jehovah's witnesses.

Friday, October 15, 2010

for Anni

Hope that comes out as a video of some college kids on a rollercoaster instead of a set of arbitrary slashes, numbers and inequality symbols.

To my screaming mass of fans - I plan to start writing in this thing again.

I also plan to work out, get laid and pinpoint the location of the Holy Grail, soooo take that as you will.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Get off the black lady's ass


1. It has nothing to do with a certain pale race hating on other considerably darker races. So when Emmett Till got 50 kinds of fucked up that night, sure. That's racism. When four black guys fucked up Reginald Denny, that was also racism. This "reverse racism" shit implies that white guys were the ones who started it - okay, MAYBE they were - but that right there is a judgmental, blanketing idea. It means that you automatically link racism to a white guy doing some shit to somebody else, and that's an easy stereotype.

2. Racism, as defined:
"A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others."

In other words, you think "Because this guy is [insert race here], I can IMMEDIATELY say this, this and this about his cultural and individual achievement." (You probably also think, "I'm better than him because I'm [insert race here] and he's [insert race here].")

The other definition is the fan favorite "hatred or intolerance of another race or races."

3. Pointing out true, obvious facts is not racist. Saying "my Asian friend is dating a black girl" is not racist, even if it's a pretty rare thing. However, if you say "I saw an Asian guy dating a black girl, so he's probably a small-dicked doctor-to-be who loves math and is emotionless and she's probably a big-lipped basketball-loving hip hop fan and maybe a petty criminal, and I hate them both because of their races and I wish I could kill them," THAT'S Klan status right there.

4. Stereotypes - good and bad - are an extension of racism. Immediate corollaries derived from somebody's race alone (instead of other silly things like, say, their character) are racist, even if it's a "good" stereotype (i.e. "black guys are packing some serious junk")

Race is a touchy issue. Always has been, and probably always will be, as long as stupid people get offended whenever you mention a colour or some other trivial shit. If you're going to dive into that whole mess and its social implications, make sure you can actually define what you're engaging. Might be helpful.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I'm calling security

A few hours ago some Korean triad/thug was cast out of Bobst for trespassing. While he was leaving he ran his mouth in his thick Korean triad/thug accent, asking the security guard "are you mad?" and "you should take it easy" and some other bullshit.

First, it's a little alarming that he got into an NYU building without having any kind of ID, but whatever. Second, what's with these fucking toolbags thinking it's cool to dick around with authority like that?

Being smug and cocky and smooth with cops or security guards doesn't make you cool, or brave, or dashing, or any of that shit that's supposed to attract loose, shallow women. What the fuck are you going to do. Seriously. You gonna outrun some cops on the road? Wow, good job, you can drive fast! The douches who post pictures of themselves getting cuffed are the greatest, because they're always saying, look at what a badass I am! I got busted for weed! I'm so fly!

If you want to look cool while fighting higher powers, do it the Jack Bauer way. Win a fight with the KGB. Not your local 25-man police force. Idiots.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

We should stop doing things that make other countries hate us

Title says it all.

NEW YORK - home of the yellow cab, halal carts, fashion, finance and all that shit. A lot of assholes live here too, and you can usually hear them from afar. "Bitch!" snapped one ho as she brushed against somebody walking the opposite way. "Cunt!" was the automatic reply.

It's no secret. New Yorkers tend to be nastier than most Americans. How does this make us look to foreigners? First, they think we're all of the following: ignorant, obese, stupid, lazy, bad at soccer (though our boys' efforts have hopefully changed that some).

Add to the list "ready to say anything to piss anybody off because somebody stepped on your shoe," and we really don't come off as a well-to-do people. Granted, ALL Americans aren't like that. But some are more so than others, and they're the fucking douchebags who are making us look bad.

I haven't visited the following countries (so I might be spewing complete drivel) but I'm guessing that in places such as Iran, the vampire European countries, Somalia and Serbia, yelling "fuck you and your mom, you fucking fuck!"because someone forgot to signal is probably a good way to get your ass beat. Here we don't have that, because we enjoy our American freedoms and security, which suggest it's not kosher to start fights on the street or in the subway. In other places of the world, you run your mouth and you get fucked up and that's just how it is. Here, in "civilized America," you can be a big asshole as much as you want, and you probably won't get stabbed.

Has our security and way of life actually made it easier for us to be assholes? God, I hope not.

Some people grow up in cultures that suggest you watch what you say, because you never know when somebody's going to get fatally stabbed because of a 53rd and 6th line cutting incident (happened) or an accidental bump outside a train station (also happened). Some New Yorkers live in this bubble of I-can-say-whatever-shit-I-want-and-fuck-you-if-you-don't-like-it, and while it's unfortunate that they haven't met a stabber just yet, it's really not helping our image.

God help us all